Despite some nerves, fear, crying, doubts, and just knowing we’d made the wrong decision to live with my in-laws instead of getting a short-term apartment, I have a happy ending to share with you today.
Yes, I had a total meltdown a few days after Jonathan was born because I didn’t have my own space.
Yes, it was difficult to have a nursing newborn in the same house as a father-in-law.
Yes, after the first few days of tenuous adjusting, we thought for certain that we would be better off in our own space, even a lousy 2-bedroom apartment in the wrong part of town.
We were wrong.
How rare it is to appreciate being wrong! This happy ending is worth it.
The irony can’t run much deeper than when I reflect on my initial apprehension verging on dread when we were actually moving in with my husband’s parents, considering the complexity of six people living sharing a three-bedroom home and two very different lifestyles colliding.
Juxtapose that with my overriding emotion as we closed on our new home near the end of October: fear.
Yep, I was finally getting what I wanted, what we had made so many sacrifices for, and all I could think of was, "How am I going to survive without my mother-in-law?"
I’d come to enjoy having another adult in the house all day and deeply appreciated not only her immense amount of help with the children, but also the camaraderie and comfortable rhythm of living and working together. Even in the kitchen, and perhaps especially there, after all my worrying.
Imagine getting dinner ready and having someone else finish up a craft with your kids, help them clean up, and set the table. Did your mental stress level just decrease?
Imagine a superbly busy day when you haven’t really planned dinner, and someone else says, "I was thinking we could make such-and-such for dinner," and then they cover for you so that things are ready when you get home from the kids’ religion class. Heaven.
Now imagine having someone to talk to while making dinner, someone who is also cutting a cucumber so that when you say, "Dinner’s ready!" you really mean it, instead of: "The main course has been cooked, so as soon as I wash lettuce, chop some raw veggies, get drinks and set the table, we can eat."
And last but certainly not least, if you can possibly stretch your imagination this far into the dream-world of idealism, imagine that when you come downstairs after bedtime routine with the children, the dishes are completely finished – all of them! – and even put away. I know, I know. Too good to be true, right?
That was my life.
When I transitioned from two kids to three, I had this much help.
I didn’t know if I could float on my own.
I wasn’t sure we’d be fed.
I figured my kids would probably be so bored they’d self-destruct.
I was scared to move out.
Kitchen Lessons
I also benefited from the stripping down of my kitchen, which was a surprising and rather fascinating advantage of the whole temporary living situation. You know how you get comfortable in your environment once you’ve been there a while? For example, even though a certain drawer might not be the most convenient for your contact solution, it stays there because that’s where you put it the first time you bought some.
When I had to pare down everything I use in the kitchen to the bare essentials, I tried to be really austere and hard on myself with what I brought along, out of respect for my in-laws’ space. Ironically, once I got to the end, I realized there were probably another few dozen items I could have sent to storage.
Now that we’re in our new house, my kitchen organization has been directed heavily by what I learned in someone else’s kitchen:
- Although I have a bazillion spices, there are about 6-12 that I use all the time, like once a week or much more.
- I go through a lot of pots and pans.
- I make homemade yogurt more than once a week and water kefir every other day, so those items need to be easily accessible.
- Electric stoves and gas stoves act differently with my no-dishes homemade yogurt method! This was a huge surprise…
- I can do a lot without a lot of space.
- I don’t like non-kitchen things being in the kitchen. I knew that before, but it was confirmed!
- Like the spices, there are certain kitchen tools I literally use almost daily. It makes sense that those should be easy to find and put away.
- We eat a lot of fresh vegetables. Also a nice surprise to me…
- I really do work hard! I could see through the eyes of my in-laws sometimes, like when my father-in-law would ask in amazement in 10 p.m., "Aren’t you done running around yet?"
- I make humongous messes in the kitchen, even when I’m NOT cooking everything I usually make. Uh oh…
- I go through glass jars and glass storage containers like nobody’s business.
- We use certain food items every couple days or daily, too – makes sense to have them close at hand.
- It’s fun to be able to give people scientific excuses for eating real butter and real salt, since those taste better than the diet recommendations of the Standard American "Healthy" Diet.
- Homemade chicken stock in the slow cooker is pretty cool, but people do think you’re weird when you put bones in there…
- And mostly, I was reminded just how far away from the "norm" of the culture our family’s eating habits really are.
Beyond that, I learned some wonderful things about my mother-in-law:
- She LOVES to do things for other people, and not only that, but she really gets what people like and tries to serve them well.
- She loves her grandkids to death, and she’s so proud of everything they do (her kids too).
- She is an incredibly non-judgmental person.
- She’s flexible and tolerant – evidenced by the fact that she didn’t kick us out after seeing the messes I make in the kitchen!
- She’s a great shopper – this I knew, but I sure was thankful for the clothes and food she’d pick up for us when I didn’t want to go a zillion places just after John was born.
I’ve been thinking about writing this post for two months now, and of course, I know there were about twenty more items I was supposed to include, but since I didn’t write them down right away, *poof* they’re gone.
Suffice it to say that, in the end, I highly recommend to anyone to live with your extended family for a time. Just make sure they’re as amazing as mine are and you’ll be counting your blessings a hundredfold.
I’ll give you a kitchen tour of my new home later this month so that you can see these lessons in action. I’ve been having fun organizing it JUST SO. 
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I was just thinking I need to write a similar post about my parents living with us this summer and then from my SIL perspective when they lived with them for 3months when they moved states. We had a VERY INTERESTING family talk before everyone headed home after Christmas.
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I love this post! My husband and I have been blessed with amazing families on both sides and are so lucky to have their help and friendship. I love hearing about other people who feel the same way about their in-laws.
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This post had me in tears! I wish I could have let go of my pride to help and be helped with my own mother-in-law. I didn’t appreciate her enough, until she was gone (God rest her soul)
What an amazing woman you are to be so humble and honest. God bless you!
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Thank you, this is wonderful timing on this post. We are moving in with my in-laws next weekend while we wait for our new house to close. I have been very apprehensive for many of the same reasons.
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What a blessing! I think there is a lot to be said for other culture’s common practice of having multiple generations under one roof. There is so much help you can provide for each other as well as many lessons to be learned. Plus all the extra love and attention for the children.
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That is SO great that you had such a good experience living with your in-laws! Our situation was reversed which I think made it a little harder. The parents living in the kids house. As hard as it was at times it was such a blessing having my kids be able to spend SO much time with their grandparents – especially because in our case they were moving 18hours away soon.
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You are SO LUCKY to have wonderful inlaws!! That is a wonderful gift that not many of us have. I’ve lived with inlaws, and believe me it wasn’t pretty…especially the last time DH’s sister moved in with us for 11 months, we basically had to ask her to leave because the stress was killing us and upping DH’s bloodsugar to sky high, even though he was on meds for it, cause we had to tip toe in our own house so as to not tick her off…I used to hid in my office a lot when she was around so she wouldn’t take something I said wrong and twist it around to mean something totally different and go running to my DH with “what I said” and stress him out even more. She (and a couple of his brothers)have barely talked to us since she left…and that was at least three years ago. I think it’s wonderful that you had a good experience, it gives me hope that some extended familys are still functional out there.
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I’m so glad you posted this. I often think, especially as mothers with young families, that we were not designed to live alone in suburban homes with no help! It is VERY hard. Truly, we NEED our families (and it helps if we have good ones!)
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Julie Reply:
January 5th, 2012 at 3:43 pm
I agree. It IS very hard and sometimes lonely. I would love to have another person to chat with while I make a mess in the kitchen!
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Kassia Reply:
January 5th, 2012 at 5:42 pm
Agree! Just to have someone else around would be wonderful. Some company. And someone who could stay with the kids while you run to the bank so it actually takes the 10 minutes it’s supposed to instead of the 45 it takes if I have to bring both kids! It would just be so nice to have another adult around (most of the time).
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Great post… your mil sounds like a gem. Years ago I had been in a similar situation and one thing I appreciated was having an adult to converse with that really helped me stay connected with the world amongst the whirlwind of diapers and feedings. God Bless you and your family.
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My mom came for 6 weeks after my last child was born. I was so nervous about having her here for that long! It turned out great though and when she left I missed her terribly! It was so great to have someone help with all the things I have to do to keep this household running: Cooking, Laundry, cleaning, meal planning, shopping and even some canning. I’m still not in the groove yet… Mom’s been gone for two months and the baby is 4 months old. Need to work on my frog!
Thanks for sharing… My favorite comment was “Poof, they’re gone” I can relate!!
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why is bf-ing while live w/ your FIL an issue? Unless there’s a sexual connotation (which there shouldn’t be) to the breast, I’m lost on this.
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Megan Reply:
January 5th, 2012 at 2:56 pm
I imagine it’s for the same reason that it will be a little hard for me when #3 gets here for us and we’re living with my parents for a short time. I never use a cover at home when it’s just my husband and toddlers around. It would make both myself and my dad very uncomfortable if I did that around him. I can’t even imagine *wanting* to. It’s not because there’s a sexual connotation to it. There’s just simple a modesty isssue that must be addressed around others that isn’t neccessary in your own home.
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Katie Reply:
January 5th, 2012 at 9:28 pm
Tonya,
Katie
Yep, Megan hit the nail on the head. Especially with a newborn, seeing what you’re doing is kind of important, and in August, not using a blanket all the time is kind of less sweaty, too. So it was just one more thing I had to do to stay covered so he wasn’t uncomfortable in his own home.
You’ll find out someday, I hope!
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Thank you so much for sharing, Katie! What a blessing grandmas are! Especially one as helpful as your MIL!
The kids and I have been living with my parents off and on since my son (8mo) was born because of my back injury and I can echo what a blessing help with little ones can be. (OK – also admittedly nice to be back home “alone” with hubby; but we miss grandma so quickly!)
Thank you for articulating so well why the shared household is so fantastic, though! It awesome to have someone who enjoys playing with the kids, doing crafts and just being those extra pairs of hands during the hustle bustle commotion that is staying at home with an infant and toddler. Not to mention help cooking, cleaning and doing the never-ending piles of laundry!
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I remember thinking while uber ‘morning’ sick (with twins) that we were not meant to live alone. I didn’t mind feeling so bad, what was awful was that I had to still clean, cook, and deal with kids. I was wishing I lived in a tribe. Having one’s own space certainly has it’s advantages, but there are disadvantages too.
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What a wonderful post and a superb blessing.
As I read I remembered doing a lot of those same things when my daughter and children lived with us for a couple of weeks and when we go visit them. So many memories for all! Wish I was there with them again. 
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Thanks for sharing! We’re getting ready to move in with my parents in about 2 weeks. We’re buying their house and helping them build a new one. We also have #3 on the way and I think we’ll probably be there through this one’s birth. I am *so* nervous. Sometimes I just look around and think what in the world would most people think of the stuff that goes on in my kitchen. lol The lack of privacy will also be incredibly strange, but I’m pretty confident that in the end we’ll look back on it as a special, blessed time of transition in all of our lives that we’re thankful for.
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My MIL stayed with us for a month after my daughter was born and three weeks after my son. BEST THING EVER.
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I experienced a tiny taste of this when I stayed with my parents over a weekend for Christmas. I cooked all the meals (because I like to and my mom doesn’t) and she played with the kids. She or my dad would help me in the kitchen and the other one and my husband would make sure the kids stayed out of the way. And my dad hovered and washed the dishes as fast as I could dirty them. It was pretty fun…and motivated me to keep my own kitchen cleaner!
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It happened to me, too. My in-laws moved in with us when I was pregnant with my first child, and I hated it. I wanted my own space so much! But God changed my heart so that when we moved out ( it was their house that we had built for them), I missed them deeply.
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We sold our house and moved 9 hours away. We got to our new home in October and it had been trashed and not in a livable condition. We had no choice but to move into my parents’ basement for 4 weeks. It was better than I ever thought it would be considering we were not even on speaking terms for two months prior. It is amazing how God works!! I am glad to be in our own temporary space, but I do miss having someone to spend some time with my four girls.
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I am so jealous of your MIL and wish that relationships could be like that in my family. I think multigenerational living could be such a good thing if more people were like your MIL.
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Wow. My husband and I have been living with our in-laws for about over 6 months now and it’s been tough at times. But this post really ministered to me and was a comfort. Now I know I’m not the only one and that it can be a great blessing EVEN WITH the difficulties. Three cheers for in-laws!
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Katie Reply:
January 5th, 2012 at 9:30 pm
Natashia,
Katie
I am amazed at how many people are living with folks these days! Yes, ups and downs, but I’m so glad to be able to connect with your situation, too.
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My MIL is a sweetheart, so is the FIL. But I imagine we would really clash over food if we lived together, we do even when we just visit. She cooks everything with GM corn oil and they eat a ton of processed foods. I do love when my kids get to be with them a lot though, they are very kind people. My mom, I simply would go crazy without, she comes once or twice a week to help me out a little.
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Katie Reply:
January 5th, 2012 at 9:31 pm
That’s why I did all the cooking! I am hoping they ate healthier, at least more vegetables/healthy meat/less processed food for dinner while we were there, but they did often pop rolls in the microwave when I served soup without bread (or even with healthy homemade biscuits)…
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Excellent post! Truly you are very fortunate to have such great in-laws. They could have been very difficult to you, because here YOU were invading THEIR space. Instead, they were, according to you, incredibly tolerant. So amazing and wonderful…especially since I know for a fact, that with age, they tend to get more set in their ways and far less tolerant of toys and noise!! I have great in-laws, but they are not young anymore and I have young children so sometimes, even tho they say differently, I can tell their nerves are almost shot. Will be waiting to ‘see’ your new kitchen, etc.
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I love my in-laws too. They’ve put up with a lot of “not quite norm” stuff from us too (mainly me…their son sometimes just goes along for the ride..LOL). Homeschooling, extended breastfeeding when the boys were little, and all the other “odd” little things we do. I don’t know if I’d want to live with them….but I couldn’t live without them. I’ve even told my husband that some days the only reason I’ve stayed with him for nearly 20 years is because I can’t give up his parents! LOL
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This is so nice to hear, Katie, in a world where so much negativity focused on family relationships. So often it comes down to selfishness and being unwilling to be flexible for others.
We lived with my parents for four months between houses and I cried when it was time to go. The closeness was wonderful and the mutual respect really made it a pleasure.
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Loved the post! So glad it really had so many positives. I’m sure your older kids will recall that time fondly, too. I can’t really imagine living w/ in-laws for that long, though. The help and care would be appreciated, just conflict of… perspective/priorities, I guess. Katie, can’t wait to see your kitchen!!!
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We lived with my parents for about 10 months and I totally agree with the kitchen help and kid help and all that stuff. The only bad part of living with them was getting sick from mold in their basement, the only thing I would of done differently make sure the air was clean.
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I guess I don’t see anything modest about breast feeding. Keeping it covered keeps it taboo. Watching someone eat shouldn’t make anyone uncomfortable.
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Tonya Reply:
January 5th, 2012 at 10:36 pm
Make that immodest & in reply to my original post. On the iPhone.
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Totally love this post.
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thanks for posting. I loved reading this. Not enough people praise their parents, esp in-laws. I have had to live with my not once, but twice and what it revealed about my heart was and is extremely humbling. I tell my MIL all the time that my esteem of her continues to grow everyday – and I don’t even have grandchildren yet! Having a DIL join our family last year and needing to house her this year with us, is again exposing and humbling me! God is so good and so merciful and kind. And I fall so short…
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This is lovely. My Mom stayed with us for 6 weeks after my son was born. I thought I would surely go crazy, but I ended up with a colicky baby who could rarely be put down and she was a lifesaver. I cried and cried when she left. The best part is she kept a journal and made me a copy for his 1 year birthday. Best memories ever for all of us.
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I too lived with my in-laws for just over a year while my husband & I built our own house. Durring that time I had my 2nd daughter (only 15 months younger than my first). It was wonderful to have the help durring that time. It’s nice to remember all the positives to living with my In-Laws.
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love this post!!! you are such a great person!
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I love this post. We lived with my MIL and FILfor about 9 months when my two older boys were toddlers. They are so very special. They accepted me and let me mess up their kitchen. I love that they love my kids and we enjoyed such closeness. It wasn’t perfect, but I’m glad we did.
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I loved reading this and I almost could have written it. Just before our third was born we moved in with my husbands parents. We meant to stay for only 6 months but ended up staying for over a year. That’s when I learned to be really good with a nursing cover
It was such a blessing to be in their house at that time. That’s the only time that I’ve had 3 in (cloth) diapers and no bigger kids that could help (at the time they were newborn, 16 months and 27 months.) Unfortunately I didn’t have as good an attitude as you when it came to my mother-in-law doing the dishes for me. I always felt guilty and like a burden even though she clearly didn’t feel that way about it. I’ve always felt blessed to have in-laws that a really liked and living with them only enhanced that feeling. We did find our own place when number 4 was on the way. They didn’t have that much space and we felt it was time. It’s hard training up your kids the way you want when there are grandparents around that want to be soft on them.
I know one benefit you forgot! Live in baby sitters and the easy ability to go on a date night after the kids bedtime.
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Katie Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 5:15 am
Heather,
Katie
Oh, I totally felt guilty about the dishes and like a burden! I constantly told her to stop doing them…but it was still an awfully nice gift!
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Weekend Reading: January 7, 2011 // Jan 7, 2012 at 7:08 am
[...] Lessons I Learned Living with My In-Laws | Kitchen Stewardship [...]
What a blessing to have your in-laws there to help out when you needed them the most.
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I teared up reading this! What a blessing to have such gracious in-laws. What a sweet daughter-in-law to brag on them, too.
I hope after this little one arrives I’ll have enough outside help that it can feel that awesome, too! lol
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Katie, I thought of you and your quest to reduce dishwashing the other day …on my kitchen to-do list was blanching spinach and making spaghetti for dinner, and I thought, hey, let’s blanch the spinach and then throw the spaghetti in the already boiling water! It’ll save water, energy, and *probably* add some vitamins to my spaghetti! And the kids didn’t even notice. Score!
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The husband, our 2.5 yo twins girls and myself are living with my in Laws, and we’ve been here since the girls were 4 months old.
A bit of background into this…. my husband and I met in London 6 years agao and he’d been a chef for 10 years. After we’ve been together for a while, he started making noise about going back to uni and re-training. Being Australian, it would have costed too much for him to study in the UK so we made the decision to move to OZ. And did so when the girls were 3.5 months old. With him being a full time student, me on Maternity leave, we simply couln’t afford to rent a place so the logical step was to move in with his parents for a while and that was 2 years ago.
And it’s the best thing ever!! They are the most amazing people I know. And it’s oh so nice to have extra pairs of hands to helps with the girls/ cooking/ laundry (I honestly can’t remember the last time I had to fold clothes after washing them).
Now we can probably move out but I just don’t want to anymore. I actually get very anxious when thinking about how I’m going to cope without them.
And it’s such a pleasure to see the girls growing up with their grandparents around. How in the morning when they wake up and come into our room and say hi, and immidiately go upstairs to wake Nana and Popi up too. Live in babysitting is just the icing on the top!
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