Kitchen Stewardship | A Baby Steps Approach to Balanced Nutrition

Eat Well, Spend Less: Do Your Holidays Focus on Family, Food…or Fighting?

November 14th, 2011 · 32 Comments · Mary and Martha Moments

I got one of those exciting emails the other day.

You have to understand, as a blogger, I get public relations pitches numbering around a dozen a day. Some of them are for processed foods, recipes folks want me to share, and a surprising number for financial advice and adult beverages. Seriously. I buzz through my inbox and delete like crazy, but every so often something interesting catches my eye.

The one from Anderson Cooper’s office was one of those.

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I’ve “known” Anderson Cooper since he was a Channel One News anchor. I watched him every day at high school before classes began.

Getting an email from his office saying, “After reading your blog, I was interested in working with you on an idea we had for an upcoming show. I hope to hear from you as soon as possible,” was beyond exciting. I actually called that second (which is totally not like list-making plan-it-later Katie).

It turned out that Anderson Cooper was putting together a show about family conflict at the holidays, specifically things like one family member not getting on board with healthy foods or organics while another family member prioritizes it. At least, that’s what I think I understood through the crying baby in the backseat, since I was in the van with all three kiddos when the Anderson rep returned my call. ;)

My first two rather jumbled thoughts were:

  1. Perfect. I live with my in-laws! I can talk about two different food philosophies clashing…

  2. But…at the holidays, we just get together with extended family for one day, everyone brings food, and no one really talks about nutrition or food choices at all…

After I talked a very little bit about my experiences, I could tell that I wasn’t giving him what he was looking for. I finally said, “You know, if you’re looking for someone who has had arguments about food during the holidays, you’re not going to find that with me.”

I saw some conversation from other bloggers about the same topic, and one of them quipped that a story about a family that doesn’t have any conflict at the holidays would be much more newsworthy.

That got me thinking.

Does Everyone Argue During the Holidays?

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The holidays we’re talking about, specifically Thanksgiving and Christmas in our family, are really about family togetherness. Thanksgiving is a time to appreciate our history as a country and be thankful for what we have.

If you’re fortunate enough to be getting together to share a meal with family, I pray that they are tops on your list of gratitude.

Christmas, the holy commemoration of the birth of the Christ Child, who came to save us all from our sin, should surely be a time to rejoice and be glad, not pick on each other and have conflict.

It’s a sad world when “holiday,” “family,” and “conflict” automatically go together, when a joyful family holiday sounds like breaking news instead of just breaking bread together and appreciating one another.

Although I realize my blog colleague was speaking in jest to a certain extent, she has a point: Family conflict is as common a holiday image as turkeys and brightly lit trees.

What Would You Do?

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I started composing a response to the Anderson Cooper show email, but then I realized I could easily be wasting my time writing to one person who had a singular goal, when I could encourage thousands to have a more joyful holiday season.

You see, I don’t see any reason that a family should have conflict over organic food.

Unless you have a serious allergy or sensitivity, I strongly believe in the 80/20 rule:

If you eat optimally 80% of the time, fudging your diet 20% of the time (without gorging on true poisons like trans fats the entire 20%) won’t kill you.

It breaks my heart that there are people out there who would cause disunity and strife in their family just because of organic food. Personally, I don’t even eat organic food all the time myself, probably not even 75% of the time. I can’t justify the cost quite yet, and I certainly can’t imagine expecting my entire extended family to fork over big bucks for organics for one special day, particularly if they felt that they had to just because I thought it was important.

The mission of Kitchen Stewardship is founded upon balance, striving to figure out how to stay within a budget while prioritizing nutrition and being gentle to the earth. It’s not easy, and I certainly don’t expect my family to achieve the balance at the holidays.

For one meal or one day, those who would cause conflict over special foods truly need to lighten up and embrace the 80/20 rule. Have a hearty, nourishing breakfast, make sure your contribution is super healthy and incredibly tasty, something that your own family will max out on (or bring multiple dishes!), and detox the next day. Enjoy it.

(Yes, I’m speaking to myself here too.)

The KS community chatted on Facebook and Twitter about this question last week, and it seemed that people were fairly focused on family, and a tiny bit on food. Many tended to bring their own or offer to cook/host, and many more simply said they wouldn’t sweat it. Then there were the lucky ones whose family just eats the good stuff anyway.

A few sound bytes:

from The Humbled HomemakerI think relationships always trump real food. Eating bad a few times a year for the sake of Christian fellowship with your family is ok. I would never want my love for real food to sever my relationships.

from Dyn-momAn in-law insists on canned green bean casserole w/ mushroom soup. We politely avoid it when she asks us to try!

from Quick and Easy, Cheap and Healthy: I think the getting together is more important than what is eating. Family holidays can be so stressful anyway, why add to the stress when arguing over something non-eternal like food?

Read the whole conversation right HERE

What About More than One Special Day?

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If you’re getting together for an extended period of time, offer to cook one meal a day or more. Seek to provide simple, nourishing, delicious food, and think of it as a chance to nourish those you love and maybe even practice a little real food evangelism. You know, like this: “Wow, these scrambled eggs are such a lovely deep yellow, aren’t they? That’s from the happy chickens running around outside and eating bugs. Yummy.” (Obviously, know your audience.)

During these last two months of the year, it can be hard enough to get together with family. There’s already incredible conflict over timing, who celebrates with whom, multiple sides of the family, gift giving and other traditions.

If you really want to Eat Well during the holidays, Spend Less time worrying about the food – neither nutrition, frugality, nor beauty – and spend more time appreciating your family and the fact that you’re gathering to break bread…whether it’s white bread, whole wheat sourdough, or cardboard.

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Read other posts in the Eat Well, Spend Less series HERE

And just in case you do need to stress about holiday food because you’re on GAPS or grain-free, you might want to grab A Whole Food Holiday while it’s 50% off with the code "healthycelebrations" – I made the grain-free biscuits tonight, and I really wasn’t sure how it would go. I thought they might be a little like muffins…but holy cow, they were truly excellent.

My husband said something like, "Ung…mmmm…oh, wow…these are good." He doesn’t usually speak like a caveman, but he was deeply enjoying a surprise bread product since he’s been totally gluten-free for 2 weeks.

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If you missed the last Monday Mission, click here.

Kitchen Stewardship is dedicated to balancing God’s gifts of time, health, earth and money.  If you feel called to such a mission, read more at Mission, Method, and Mary and Martha Moments.

Disclosure: I am an affiliate for the Whole Food Holiday ebook. See my full disclosure statement here.


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32 Comments so far ↓

  • Amy via Facebook

    I’m sorry you (probably) won’t get on the show…but very well written! Thanks for the reminder(s) of the most important things!

  • Ashley via Facebook

    Thank you so much for permission to relax my food standards a little and enjoy the day! Such a great post! :)

  • Sarah

    Thank you! ya know, God must really want me to hear this today, because he also led me to stumble across this:

    http://www.passionatehomemaking.com/2010/01/can-natural-living-become-an-idol.html

    Timely, Katie, and I fully agree with your 80/20 rule!

  • Melissa @ Dyno-mom

    Long live the 80/20 rule! It will make many family get-togethers better! You make good points, Katie.

  • Mandi @ Life...Your Way

    Beautiful post, Katie! I think there’s danger when our food choices become our idol. God’s bigger than pesticides (and even trans fats!), and while I do think He asks us to be good stewards of the bodies he’s given us (and the way our bodies work when being fed properly is amazing!), I don’t think it should ever, ever come above relationships!

    Charlotte Reply:

    What you said is so true! I have to continually remind myself that God is bigger than the “evil” foods that we avoid. I was so uptight about it for the first few months we ate whole foods, and then realized that living in fear of pesticides and preservatives isn’t at all a godly mode to be in! I even just read an article about how amazing our body’s detox system is, and how it flushes out almost all the toxins we eat. So if I’m feeding my kids great foods almost all the time, I don’t need to worry when someone hands them goldfish at a gathering. I used to lunge at them and swipe the goldfish away before they could eat any (which, of course, doesn’t make for a happy toddler!), but I’m learning to let it go and remember it won’t truly hurt them.

  • liz roque

    Channel One :-)

    Katie Reply:

    Yeah! I was hoping somebody would reminisce about that with me… ;) Katie

  • via Facebook

    I’m definitely the odd one out in my family over this, but I definitely don’t sweat it at the holidays! Part of the way I think about it is that people are spending so much money this time of the year trying to give back to others and enjoy life, that the expense of all organics would be an added burden anyway and take away from the good times. Love your 80/20 rule though.. I need to keep getting myself on board with the 80!

  • Leigh Ann @ Intentional By Grace

    Such a great post, Katie! Very well said. The quotes from The Humbled Homemaker and Quick and Easy, Cheap and Healthy were spot on as well. Great conversation!

  • Condo Blues

    I try to live by the 80/20 rule too. Holidays and birthday dinners fall into the 20% of tastes good but not so healthy food.

    My side of the family has Thanksgiving food conflict but it’s sadly not about organic/healthy food. My mother INSISTS on the same menu every.single.Thanksgiving. (complete with her dry 14 hour in the oven turkey) any time my foodie sister and I bring something different as a side dish or dessert, we’ve automatically “ruined” dinner. Sigh.

    Katie Reply:

    Oh, so sad to not be able to experiment with new recipes when feeding family! Bummer!

  • Mindy @ The Purposed Heart

    I couldn’t agree with you more, Katie. This was written so well and so graciously – I know that it will be an encouragement to many people this holiday season. You go, girl! ;-)

  • DMartin

    We have a wide variety of “healthy” eating diets in my extended family: low fat/margerine types, vegetarian, granola, etc. Fortunately, we don’t fight. We bring what we want, eat what we want, and may avoid a dish from a certain person, but it’s all about family.

    Echoing your point of balance, this past Sunday our pastor addressed the sending of the seventy in Luke 10. As an aside, he said that the true Maker’s Diet is simply to eat what is set before you. :–) He also alerted us to a new eating disorder–orthorexia. In short, he advocated a balance: do the best you can, but don’t make it a point of offense. (And yes, he does understand that celiacs and such can’t always eat what is set before them.)

    Sarah Reply:

    “Orthorexia” While any mode of eating can certainly become an obsession and go overboard for a small percent of people, in my experience, this word is commonly applied to anyone who focuses on eating more healthily than the person labelling them.

    Anyhow, I certainly agree that family celebrations are no place for contentiousness over food. We do something similar – I make the turkey and the traditional sides I want, my parents (who are on a special diet) bring side dishes, we all eat what we want and try to sample other options.

  • Anne

    I love this post! This is exactly how I feel. And it clears up the mystery why Anderson Cooper was trying to contact me as well, lol. He wouldn’t have gotten much out of me, either, so now I’m happy we never connected. Thanks for this great post (and for quoting me, lol).

  • Stacy Makes Cents

    I love the 80/20 rule. It’s how I keep from losing my mind. :-)
    I always quote the Humbled Homemaker: family trumps real food.

    Erin@TheHumbledHomemaker Reply:

    Stacy, you are too sweet–and too funny! I’m sure I’m not the first to coin that phrase!

  • MaryEllen

    What to do when you’re on the “unhealthy” side of the family? We’re not really unhealthy, but in some other family members’ opinions, we are. Basically, if it’s not grown or raised in their own yard, they won’t eat it. (I’m being totally serious.) It’s gotten to the point where they turn down invitations to everything because they don’t want to eat our food. Anyone else on the “unhealthy” side of the fence? What do you do when your food is just not good enough even though you try?

    Michelle M Reply:

    MaryEllen, I don’t really have any advice for you, but I am so sorry your family is like that! I’ve experienced similar treatment from family, over different issues, and I know how hard it is to feel alienated from the very people who should be showing you unconditional love. You have to remember that they’re mising out by choosing not to spend time with you and that’s their choice, no one forces them to behave that way. I pray that in your family, as well as mine, God will find a way to change those ingrained attitudes!

    Katie Reply:

    MaryEllen,
    Wow. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be on either that of your family’s fence; a tough spot. Maybe you could just graciously let them cook for every party you throw! Ha! I can’t figure out if I’m serious or joking about that, but really – if someone is going to be that picky, they should have to bring the food. And you get a day off from the kitchen! God bless your efforts… :) Katie

  • julie

    Great Post – This is the kind of thing I like from KS!!!

  • Sarah

    Great points, Katie. I was getting so upset this week because we had to buy a conventional turkey, which is treated with a couple different chemicals to “optimize flavor and juciness.” The only option for avoiding them was to buy an organic turkey for $50, which simply isn’t in our family budget. I finally realized that I need to refocus on the whole 80/20 idea and let it go, so I will keep our side dishes as natural and delicious as I can and I will not lose the focus of Thanksgiving – THANKFULNESS for all we have!! Baby steps!

  • Erin@TheHumbledHomemaker

    Just now getting a chance to go back and read everything in depth and comment. Wow! This is one of my favorite posts from you! Thanks for being transparent and humble. It’s refreshing to hear a real food blogger put relationships first! And thanks a TON for quoting me! :)

  • 'Becca

    Great points! I find it so strange that many people view holidays as a time of family tension and argument–that’s very rarely been my experience, and when there HAS been any conflict usually people quickly agree to set it aside because of the holiday. The holiday episodes of “Roseanne” always made me feel like I was looking into an alternate universe! :-)

    My partner’s cousin hosts Thanksgiving for as many relatives as can attend, usually about 20. In my early years there, the group included his wife’s parents, who have now passed away; his father-in-law was diabetic, so his mother-in-law always brought a sugar-free “Jell-O mold” as she called it, so that FIL could have something sweet while the rest of us were enjoying the large array of sugar-sweetened desserts. Being very sensitive to artificial sweeteners, I was relieved to be informed about the Jell-O. Several relatives joked about not eating “mold,” but the teasing was not such that it hurt MIL’s feelings. There are now several vegetarians in the family, and not only does nobody pressure them to try the turkey, but the cooks make a point of telling them which foods contain meat ingredients, making a separate pan of vegetarian stuffing, etc.

    'Becca Reply:

    I hit “submit” by accident! I meant to add that my family, normally vegetarian except for fish, does eat turkey at Thanksgiving when we go to the family celebration. It’s a special occasion, so if we feel like eating turkey we may have as much as we want.

    But in years when we’ve had Thanksgiving at home, we don’t make a turkey; we make roasted portobellos and the traditional side dishes. We are usually home for Christmas and always make vegetarian stuffed shells. This year, we’ll be at my parents’ for Christmas, and my mom decided we’ll make the stuffed shells there. :-)

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  • Heather B

    A lot of times I feel like our parents are opposed to organic/whole grains/etc. But I’m a stay at home mom. I control the vast majority of our food. I think eating their high sugar, high fat, refined wheat products once in a while isn’t going to derail our health. Yes I cringe inside at the giant glass of darigold chocolate milk they drink at grandma’s, but I’m not going to alienate the grannies over it. (Now if they were babysitting 40 hours a week we’d have to make some real rules.)
    I always host Thanksgiving so it’s more comfortable for my divorced parents/step father to share the holiday and we have never had one single holiday fight!

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I embrace butter. I make homemade yogurt. I eat traditional real food – plants and animals that God created, not products of plants where food scientists work. Here at Kitchen Stewardship, I share how I strive to be a good steward of my family's nutrition, the environment, and our budget, all without spending every second in the kitchen. Learn more about the mission of KS here.

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